My first niece...

 

It is September 2^nd 2011, a Friday and I sit just waiting for the clock to hit the five and a half hour mark so that I can get off work and visit my brother and sister-in-law at the hospital.  They are expecting the birth of their first born at any minute.  I dial my mother’s cell phone. As always, my mother gives me a lengthy explanation of her whereabouts, explains what she ate, where she went before arriving to the hospital and only after some good ranting my mother responds to my question:  “No, the girl is not born yet.” 

I can only call her “the girl”  since her mother has kept us in the dark about the name she is planning for her.  We know there is a list of five names  from which the mother will select one once she sees the girl’s face.  I don’t know her name but I cannot wait for this girl to come so that I can see her little eyes, her hands, her mouth. I want to tell her she is the life of a large group of people.  On her father’s side, she has two aunts and a set of grandparents who cannot sit still while waiting.  On her mother’s side, she also has two aunts and another set of grandparents ready to adore her.  My husband already has nephews and a niece, but he is amused by the fact that at least for the moment, he will be the girl’s only uncle.  I write and write on my diary since I don’t want to forget the details of this day.  I picture myself talking to her: “You picked a beautiful day to come to this world and this land where people run day and night without rest. We await you under the brilliant California sun on a breezy day. The heat is high but the wind permits us to forget it and just think of your arrival.”

Our girl is what any baby is to her family:  Hope, positivism, energy to keep going.  She will be the first immediate family member of mine who is born in the United States as well.  I hope to teach her Spanish and for her mother’s family to teach her the Armenian and Arabic languages. I even toy with the idea of asking my husband to teach her American Sign language.  My husband is an interpreter for the deaf and has worked with kids and adults alike and surely would get a kick at having a fresh brain to experiment with.  I only wish for the girl to enjoy her childhood, to grow at her own pace and to fly high the day she is ready.  But above all, I pray for a healthy life.

We all wish health for our young.  But my fear is specific.  My mother’s family is plagued with what I call “the twin evils.”  I am talking about anxiety and depression. On the day of the girl’s birth, I have been battling them for about 7 years.  I have tried medication, talk therapy, praying, yoga, special foods, supplements, natural medicine, all with mixed results at best.  Medication made me overweight and really sleepy.   Natural medication and supplements helped me but they cost about $400 a month and no insurance will cover them.  Talk therapy helped with my issues in the beginning of the illness, specially accepting my fate.  But now it is simply useless to me as I have resolved most of the personal problems that brought up the first onset.  However, the most distressing part of my mental illness, apart from the debilitating and painful symptoms, is my decision to remain childless.  First it was the medication and its contraindication to pregnancy.  Later it was the fact that I need to sleep well, eat well, and have a calm structured life just so that I can get through the day.  And the complications go on. My husband’s family also struggles with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, an anxiety disorder.  So, I dread seeing my child suffer with constant and debilitating mental illness and so far the fear has stopped me from having a family.  The girl on the other hand, has her mother’s genes from a family that shows no signs of mental illness at all. Still, the girl could inherit it from us.  Right away, I remember my mother the day she confirmed her suspicion that I had inherited her troubles.  The pain in her eyes was evident and as a result of my suffering, my mother had a nervous meltdown that lasted for months. 

We are not a negative family despite our difficulties.  We know about seven confirmed cases on my mother’s family, ranging from severe illness, even suicidal, to minor symptoms managed with therapy and natural remedies.  We suspect there are a lot more but given the extremely large family, we have lost sight of some of the members and I suspect others are simply not ready to speak about anxiety.  In my case, generalized anxiety disorder continues to be my close companion and I have shed the hottest tears over the fact that I will not be a mother simply because there aren’t many days when I feel well.  I have to manage my symptoms by sleeping well, keeping a simple life, exercising, eating healthy, not drinking alcohol, etc.  For me, a healthy lifestyle is a need, not a choice.  Still, some days the pain is bad, but like I said, somehow, me, my mom, my cousins and uncles go on.

As I sit in my office I try to take away the fear, bring in my naturally positive attitude to the table, my trust in God.  In my brain, I only want the thought of what I will be holding later in the day, a new life.  I think of the many things I have been able to enjoy despite my illness.  While the horror stories are many, I suddenly remember the day my husband and I went out for the first time. On that day, I needed a companion for a retirement party of a business associate and he volunteered.  We went out to the balcony of the banquet hall and talked for so long that we missed the food.  I remembered the day we got married and my mom’s fear that my colorful dress would look too weird.  But I could still taste the feeling of triumph when I put on that dress and felt like the most beautiful woman in the world.  Moving to our own house, adopting our dog Goober, our second cat Puma, and making a family of us.  The girl could look forward to having two loving parents and a bunch of other family ready to take her to Disneyland, the beach, the towns in Mexico where we grew up. I suddenly remember going on my large sedan to pick up my grandma, her sister-in-law, my aunt and my mother so that we can go and eat at the buffet.  I reminisce of the simple joy of having these wonderful women next to me, yapping, eating, complaining.  I pictured us with the girl on her first birthday party and I could only smile.  My anxiety is gone.

I met the girl on Saturday September 3^rd after a long labor pushed her birth to the following day.  She had inherited very little of her mother’s looks and we all agreed she was my brother’s daughter.  Her appearance and her sure grip to his shirt gave her away. I was not able to contain my joy, and my hope. I knew at that moment that whatever challenge, even anxiety and depression, life brings to her, this group of people next to her would be there to face it with her.   I couldn’t yet tell her all what I wanted to tell her about our family, where her roots come from, the thousands of plans I have for her.  The moment proved all that explaining unnecessary.  Somehow I knew the only words I needed to say as I carry her were:  I love you, Welcome Home  Dearest Isabella.

 

 

 

 

Let's take a respite from Lourdes... sexual slavery awareness post

I am addicted to audiobooks as my Los Angeles commute can take anywhere from 45 minutes to 1.5 hours at times and unless i have a good story playing on the radio i risk shooting the other drivers :D. I already told my husband i am leaving him during the week and renting an apartment close to work and somehow he didn’t find that funny ha ha.

Anyway, last week, in a rare change in schedules, my husband had to stay at work for another hour over his regular time. Great! I didn't have to pick him out right away after my own work day ended. An hour to kill gave me the perfect opportunity to stop by one of my favorite Los Angeles playgrounds: the downtown Los Angeles City public library. I love the "Popular Library" section in particular because it is all audiobooks and movies. I usually order my audiobooks to be delivered to the branch closest to work, but that means i have to know what i want. The local branch has only a handful of audiobooks and I have been trhough all of them. I go online and look at titles but browsing online is not half as efficient and not near as much fun as to being in front of hundreds of titles. I read the backs without having to wait for the screen to change, i flip the CDs to make sure they are in good shape, look at the art, the face of the author in the back... I have a lot of fun. Hmmm... I actually don't understand electronic readers either. How can you not miss the feel of the actual paper. Yes, audiobooks have no paper, but listening to the excellent actors simply makes the stories real. So, there i was, at the popular library with like five titles under my arm when i saw Somaly Mam's "The road of lost innocence." I already had another non-fiction title "Stolen Innocence" about a girl forcibly married to her first cousin when she was just 14 and living under the rule of the Fundamentalist Church of Later Day Saints. Somaly on the other hand, was sold as a sex slave at age 16 in Cambodia but the book summary said that Somaly now helps such young girls rehabilitate and have a better life. I had my hands full, but i took Somaly's book as well. No shopping bags at the library... i carried everything to the car... slowly.

Elissa's recount is riveting and totally enticing. I was really moved by the way she made me respect the people of that strange religion when at first i thought i would just hate their ignorance and horrible treatment of young girls. But Elissa not only tells her story, she tells the life of her people. I had read another similar book by Carolyn Jessop, another really young bride under the FLDS church (for short) and so i knew a little about the subject. But Elissa expands her account to include more of the day to day in the religion, the feelings, the love. She sued "The Prophet" Warren Jeffs, and won. A really interesting, painful but full of courage story.

Time to start Somaly's book . I was just not prepared for such material. Somaly is a woman who has endured unspeakable hardships from poverty to torture to total dehumanization. Even Elissa's troubles seemed small compared to what Somaly recounts: "yes i suffered torture, slavery, etc., but it was better back then, we see much more horrible things happen to girls as young as 5 or 6 nowadays" [not a direct quote but Somaly's words are similar]. The everyday life of these children is not something people can even fathom. The torture is mental, physical, sexual and a daily routine. How do they survive for so long? How can their bodies and minds not simply shut down and kill them somehow?

I felt like a cry baby after I listened to her story. If this woman survived such horror, thrived and is now helping others escape her fate, how can I even complain about my life????? I can tell you, Somaly made me wake up this morning and tell myself "get off of bed and stop complaining."

I invite you to read/listen to her story. You can also check her website, just google her name. She has a store dedicated to raising funds to save the girls but also hope to change the way the government of Cambodia rules over the perpetrators of this cruelty. I saw some neat items on Somaly's website but I found them sort of prohibitive in price. However, anybody can still donate a few bucks or just buy the book the help out.

Child slavery, abuse and sexual exploitation is never a nice subject. But i believe we are better off knowing this exist and maybe, just letting people be aware of this evil, things can get better.

If you read the book or has read the book make sure you comment here!

Looking for healing… energy healing.

As a college educated woman, still en her early 30s, a modern person by most accounts, I trusted the western medical establishment with my mental health problems. As you probably read in my book, my doctor told me “I am going to give you a very good medicine.” Unfortunately, while the honeymoon with Paxil was very sweet, it was short lived. Even worse, the separation proved to be painful, ravaging and very scary.
I was lucky to find the amino acid therapy which didn’t stop the paxil withdrawal, but gave me enough confidence and hope that it could eventually kick in and help me feel better. When the amino acid therapy proved not to be the answer to paxil withdrawal, my next life line was www.paxilprogress.org. The people in this support group not only gave comforting words, they knew very well what they were talking about: paxil withdrawal is hardly treatable. The only treatment is time as the brain heals and the body learns to once again live without paxil.
Natural medication was pumping in my system already in the form of powerful amino acids as well as all sorts of things I found at paxilprogress such as valerian root for anxiety and sleep, magnesium supplementation etc. On the other hand, I was afraid of acupuncture since some of the paxiprogress people had reported adverse reactions to it. Still, I was very sick and in desperation, I once again looked online for help. I found the word “healing” in one other very different route: energy healing.
I had been away from my religion for a while. I am catholic but hardly attend church or practiced in any way other than daily praying and faithful following to Virgen of Guadalupe. I was not against my church, just not practicing at the time. I believe in God and hold the opinion that all religions lead to the same conclusion: be good, be calm, be kind, work hard, and everything will be fine. So, when I found the words “energy healing” in a Buddhist’s temple website next to the word “free” and an address only a couple miles from my home, I looked up the schedule and drove myself to the place that same night.
I had read a little about energy healing and in previous years I even checked out some books from the library on healing energy. I got very interested in Prantic Healing from the book “Your Hands Can Heal You” since the author, Master Stephen Co had a whimsical approach to his teaching. It was not religious teachings but it still emphasized kindness to the world and help from the divine. I didn’t read much of the book but I immediately liked his approach to healing being a mix of chakra healing, laying of the hands and meditation for the good of the world as a means of helping ourselves and others to heal. I also was attracted by the fact that his school was located on Chino Hills, California, 10 miles away from my home to the east, a convenient location given Los Angeles’ distances and traffic. Most meditation, yoga, healing, etc., places in Los Angeles area are located in West Los Angeles County in vicinities such as Santa Monica, Venice, North Hollywood etc. Given the Los Angeles traffic, the locations are simply prohibitive for most of the East Angelenos like me. At the time, I thought of registering for some classes at Master Stephen Co’s school, but I simply got lazy and didn’t do it.
Now, I needed a lot of help. I was suffering so I was willing to try anything. I presented myself at the Dari Rulai Temple in La Puente California on an October evening at 7:00 pm at which time free energy healings where given. I found the place located in a heavily industrial area, tucked away in a small street on an unattractive row shopping/industrial center. I was ready to leave since it was dark and saw no movement nor traffic going in/out the shopping center nor even the street. But I saw light inside the corner space and some movement. So… I entered. I young man opened the door and presented himself as the assistant abbot. I told him why I was there and he told me they were about to start. At this point I followed instructions to remove my shoes and entered the actual temple from the entrance hallway and saw… nobody. Behind me, the abbot welcome me while his assistant gave me 5-6 pages on healing and one where I would sign that they were not medical doctors nor substitutes for one. When they were ready, they asked me what the problem was. I simply said “withdrawal from prescription medication.” I am sure they thought I was a junkie but they made no further comment. They sat me on a chair, asked me to close my eyes and relax… for 30 minutes. I was in the midst of the worst anxiety I had had in years, the flu like symptoms where really bad, but somehow I managed to sit quietly and not open my eyes for the duration.
What did it feel like? Nothing really, I could hear the sounds of both men moving around me as well as the tape being played where a man shouted Chinese words against a background of chirping birds. The smell of incense was strong and the beating of bead one against other kept popping in my ears. Inside me, I prayed my childhood’s prayers in support of what the abbots were doing. I started feeling really heavy and at the end, just grateful for the time the abbots have given me. I left promising to come back and report on my condition. On my way home, a cold wind started swirling in my belly going up my chest and downing my arms. I thought it was just a chill from the anxiety… but later when the same exact chill came back after each healing, I learned to recognize it as the energy moved inside my body by the efforts of the healer.
I went back to the temple another couple of times; I purchased a meditation CD as a way to supply some funds to their efforts. “This is ancient meditaion, no new age stuff” the abbot told me, preparing me for the challenge I had ahead. It was not going to be fun, it was going to be work. I have done de CD about 3-4 times and it is intriguing since it claims to increase calcium inside the body without any supplements. The abbot told me women need calcium in order to support healing, so I chose the Calcium Enrighment CD and gave it a try. On Sunday healings I actually saw more people going to the temple and I even sat through one of their other Buddhists ceremonies. I was comfortable with the abbots and the people. I met a Mexican lady who was dressed in the traditional Buddhists robes and we talked for a while. I saw entire families coming in… but never more than about 20 people at the time. The temple itself is small and can accommodate about 30-40 people only. But the striking thing is the fact that the healings are free. All other healers I had contacted would charge from $50-200 per hour of work. One offered a ½ hour session of distant healing for free. I went to my bed and lie down meditating on healing at the hour we had agreed. I thanked him but since I am in no position to pay for further work, our communications stopped there. I only remember how really sick I was that evening and how I was not able to be very calm at all. But I quietly thanked this man’s efforts as well.
The Buddhist abbots took the time to talk to me about what they do, how to approach the altar, how to make a contribution to the temple etc. At this point I hadn’t told anybody about my healings simply because they are too “weird” for my very earthly husband, father, siblings… but not so much my mother. Still I wanted to try the experience and report later if necessary. I knew that if my husband found out that I was spending time with two men in some dark La Puente street by myself… he would find it highly questionable. Not that my husband would be jealous per se, he would just deem the whole thing really unsafe and maybe even crazy.
Eventually I did tell my mother. Her family have a few members who practiced spells and other works of magic. Hence, she is more open to energy, chakra, spiritual and magic talk. She smiled and told me in no uncertain terms that my next healing would take place at our own catholic church. The same priest who tied the knot between my husband and me was organizing healing masses and laying of the hands for people. No problem I said. What I found on my own church was a similar experience as with the Buddhist monks… with a twist.
Stay tuned for Catholic Laying of the Hands healing on my next posting.

Update on Paxil Withdrawal

Hello everybody!

It has been close to 11 weeks since my last paxil dose. I am very happy to report that i am better but... i am not quite there yet. My ride on the paxil withdrawal roller coaster is still in full speed although the lingering symptoms are much more bearable. For days i grew scared of what would come. I experienced flu-like symptoms complete with the feverish feeling, joint pain and bad headache. I had bad morning anxiety that would wake me up at 7:00am sharp. I would feel electricity coming up and down my throat, arms and chest, shivers, mental anguish, crying and fear. I had the well known "lump in the throat" that many people with anxiety experience accompanied with the feeling of a hot and heavy iron chest sitting in my lungs. I was not breathing normally as i felt pain in breathing. I also had nausea and difficulties finding foods i could swallow without my body attempting to return the favor. At around 1:00pm i would rest a little from the anxiety but it would come back around 5:00 pm and stay with me well into the night. It was really hard to watch TV after work or eat dinner. I was just too restless and i felt my chest full of hot air and non-stop palpitations. Trying to sleep was another ordeal. I needed the sleep in order not to feel worse the next day, but falling asleep was a veritable challenge. I would start with a warm bath at around 9:30pm and soak for 20-30 minutes. After that i would pray 1-3 rosaries until i felt the divine was listening to my plea for sleep. By then i had sipped on really strong chamomile/valerian/tila tea. I would attempt sleep by 11:00pm. If i didn't get to sleep, i would pop 5g melatonin... and when that didn't work and it was past midnight... i would get the benadryl. I was trying to be as natural as possible but i have to say, benadryl was a life saver. My doctor had told me in no uncertain terms that i needed 8-9 hrs of sleep, preferably 9 in order to help my body and brain heal. For about a week however, even with benadryl, i only clocked about 5 hrs a night resulting in exponentially intensified symptoms. At some point i know i considered jumping off a bridge, but just the thought of it is scary to me at this moment so i will not linger on that.

If you see my previous posts, you would find i was a lot better before and that my outlook was good. But that was only because i didn't know what paxil withdrawal had in storage for me. After my last dose, the first week was really bad. Then i had a rest for a bout 10 days when although i had some symptoms, they were manageable. But after those 10 days, things got really... interesting.

My symptoms at the time of this posting include the hot iron weight in my lungs, bothersome albeit mild headache, some anxiety in the morning and evening but about 60% reduced from what it was at its worst. However, i can eat well. I had already lost 22lbs since i was close to unable to eat due to the lump in the throat, the anxiety and the nausea. But i already recuperated one of those 22... i guess it is time to go on regime since i want to lose another 25-30. I can fall asleep without much ado.. although not before 10:30 or so and my body still responds with anxiety at around 7:00am. But the anxiety is not too bad and on weekends i can linger in bed for another few hours and enjoy just being in bed. My husband reminds me I'll never be able to be a mother if i keep being such a late riser... but i'll worry about that when i see a baby in my bosom. At the height of the anxiety, i had to jump out of bed and be busy in order to be able to cope with the anxiety. Not anymore... so, I'll enjoy what i can enjoy! The lump in the throat is close to gone and my outlook in life is simply much better.

My expenses for the amino acid therapy have gone up substantially as my doctor has attempted to take me out of paxil withdrawal as soon as possible. I am spending about $400.00 in supplements but given my situation, i think that first of all, they are working and second... i have to try anything to get well. At some point in the process, I considered quitting my job but what would i do without my ppo insurance that pays for this doctor? My husband could afford me an HMO type insurance that would take me back to a doctor advocating for paxil. No thanks. In no way we would be able to afford the amino acids, the doctor etc.,without me working. In a way, the amino acids brought another blessing: my need to persevere at work and keep motivated in order to be able to afford my therapy.

I have also looked into other alternatives including chinese medicine/acupuncture, energy healings etc. I will post about my experience with energy healers/laying of the hands. It is very interesting and something i would like to learn more about. Maybe even become a healer one day. It is hard to know what is working and how of all things that i am doing. However, i am a firm believer in the divine and looking for higher help during times of sever peril is just natural. Wouldn't you agree?

I will keep you posted about my developments and about a possible second book. I realize the end of the previous one has nothing to do with what came after i decided to quit paxil. However, i do mention in the book the problems with paxil and weight gain, sleepiness and the dangers of getting pregnant on the drug. The above are the reasons why i wanted to stop paxil but what came after that is a whole other story.

Titles? "The purring cat is back, heavy and hot, in my chest?"

All ideas welcome.

Lourdes

Antidepressant withdrawal... why don't we know this?

What??? Not a tweet about Paxil (or any other antidepressant) withdrawal?? I know for a fact I am not the only person in this world suffering from the severe symptoms that accompany the withdrawal of antidepressants. I did the right things. I went to a doctor; follow the instructions, did it over 8 months, even started a neurotransmitter supplement protocol with my doctor. Still, a week after my last dose someone dropped a bomb on top of me. The anxiety is bad, I have crushing pain in my lungs, I cannot sleep. My head is hurting day and night and I fear every coming of bed time because I don’t know if I will be able to sleep.

But this too shall pass… at least that is what people and my doctor tells me. I am an avid member of http://www.paxilprogress.org/ where a bunch of suffering people like me reunite and exchange notes. There are people from all over the world not knowing what to do with themselves. The question is, what would we do without each other? Most would simply just go back to the drugs and figure that is destiny. Never mind the side effects of the drugs. In my case, the most vexing was a huge weight gain (see previous posts or read my book) and being close to asleep most of the day and night. I couldn’t even perform at work, I was always so tired. When I started feeling less anesthetized, I noticed a lot of my work was behind and that I was barely surviving in the office environment. I am just lucky my bosses did not fire me!

But, now I wish I could just sleep. Sleep and forget that my purring cat that came back, my faithful friend. The anxiety is inside, like an electrical current going up and down. The moments of desperation come and there is nothing but to pray for relief.

I have heard of some people who have been able to quit antidepressants without major problems. But they are in the minority. For most, discontinuation means months of suffering. On the other hand, continuing the antidepressant is not always an option. My best motivation to stop taking paxil was to have a baby. My health right now would not permit that however. A baby would simply add to my difficulties and crush me. Still, pregnancy is an option now more than ever. Paxil is known to cause birth defects so, when I was on Paxil having a baby would not even cross my mind. On the rare moments I feel a little stimulated however, I secretly think pregnancy could be there, not too far in the future.

At moments, I wonder if just swallowing a paxil will make this suffering better. But I know it would take about 4 weeks before I see something and by then, the withdrawal might be out as well. So, this is an exercise in patience and endurance like no other I have encountered before.

We, the ones who have decided to live chemical free, get together under the banner of making a statement against those doctors and pharmaceutical companies who did not tell us:

• You will gain weight with continued use of an antidepressant, and we mean serious weight. 50lbs for me.
• You will have diabetes as a result of the weight gain.
• Overtime the pill will not work as well. You will have anxiety and/or depression again so we will have to increase your dose time and time again.
• The medication increases serotonin, the “happy” neurotransmitter. Or so we think, we really don’t know how it works.
• The medication might actually deplete your serotonin in the long term or cause your body to have too much in which case you will become manic. By manic we mean a person with so much energy you will not sleep for days. You might feel rage, undue superiority… you name it.
• The drugs were not design for long-term usage but the withdrawal from them is so hellish no matter what you do, you will stay on the medication maybe for life.
• You might become very sleepy or over stimulated. We just don’t know how you will react.
• You will have no sexual desire at all no matter what. If you are a guy, forget about performing.
• If you cannot take the withdrawal, you can re-instate the medication, but it will take a long time to work again.

Well, my first 1 ½ yrs on Paxil were really good. I still thank God I was able to resolve many of my personal problems even when I had been hit with one of the most painful chronic conditions known to man: Generalized Anxiety Disorder. But I still wonder if knowing, feeling, experiencing what is going on now would have changed my decision? I really don’t know. I remember being very sick, very desperate. I remember my mother telling me antidepressants were not a good idea… I remember.

To all of you on the hands of withdrawal, my best wishes for recovery and a life chemical free. To all of those considering going on antidepressants, please look for alternative therapies first.

Amino Acid Therapy

Paxil, Prozac, Effexor… antidepressants of today that affect Serotonin. My reasons for wanting to stop paxil were simple enough: I was very sleepy all the time, I gained 50lbs in the last 3-4 years, my anxiety was not totally controlled, I wanted to have a baby. However, the options were scary. Anxiety is painful, debilitating and in my case disabling. On the height of anxiety I cannot do anything, not even sleep or watch a movie. My brain does not let me think, concentrate not even eat. I just live and survive moment after moment. So, dropping Paxil was a serious consideration all around. What if I become disabled? What if I cannot quit the thing and I continue gaining weight? What if I become so scared that I think about killing myself?

After months and months of research in books, internet, talking to other users, I found Amino Acid Therapy and it took me another couple of months to decide to sign up for it. Two relevant websites http://www.neuroassist.com/ and http://www.neurogistics.com/, to take a look. I went with neuroassist simply because it was the first one I found. I learned of neurogistics much later when I was already in treatment. Relevant about the treatment:

• There are only a handful of doctors who know about it and use it with their patients. Neuroassist partners with psychiatrists who are willing and able to go through specialized training. In Los Angeles, there where only two of these in January 2010 when I started looking. They both are 1 ½ hours away from me given Los Angeles traffic.
  
• It is expensive mainly because insurance will not cover the supplements/medications. I had to switch my insurance to a PPO so it covers the visits to the doctor. The switch resulted in $45.00 off my paycheck per month. I still have to shell $20.00 co-payment and in the early stages of treatment you might have to see the doctor every week. The supplements can cost anywhere from $120 to $250 a month.
  
• The therapy works faster than any antidepressant. You will see results in 5-10 days. Hence, you need to see your doctor after that short a time to see about continued dosage, increase or decrease. This adds to the cost of course as seeing my doctor every week means $80.00 just in co-pays plus $15.00 in gas and 2-3 hrs lost wages.
  

Just like with any other method to quit antidepressants, amino acid therapy requires that the antidepressant be tapered off VERY SLOWLY. I quit after about eight months but compared to horror stories of discontinuation syndrome and withdrawal, my experience was sort of “mild" (although at the height of it i really thought i was going to die):

• The side effects of the amino acids are diarrhea, headache and nausea. But these definitely go away after you learn how to time the amino acids and food. Also, your stomach gets used to the substances and the initial pains go away.
  
• I had a severe headache for about 10 weeks, non-responsive to any OTC medication like aspirin or aleve. It was discontinuation syndrome, not a side effect of the amino acids. The headache I experienced from the amino acids was much milder and a lot more responsive to simple things such as a slow walk and fresh air.
  
• Two weeks of full blown anxiety symptoms after the final discontinuation of the paxil. Doctor counteracted with an increase on the amino acids and I am doing much better. The two weeks were really scary but I have read of people with symptoms for 4-6 months!!!

I am off Paxil and lost 18lbs in these 8 months. It might not seem like a lot but given that I haven’t lost one pound in 6-7 years (except when I attempted the low-carb diet disaster), the weight loss is actually remarkable. One main drawback of the therapy is the fact that I have to take 22 pills a day at various times of the day. Add to my other supplements I favor such as fish oil, a multi vitamin, vitamin b-3 for anxiety and vitamin E, my total is a whooping 30 pills a day. I have 6 different pill containers on my purse at all times and food timing is really important. I carry water with me and make sure I look at my watch every 3-4 hrs so that I time the supplements. But for those of us who have battled mental illness with prescription drugs and have seen their side effects, taking 30 pills a day is a walk in the park.

My next question to my doctor is whether the result will stand the test of time which according to the websites is a resounding yes. Also, what will be the change if I decide to get pregnant?

What are your questions?

Have you read “Prozac, Panace or Pandora” by doctor Ann Blake Tracy? If you are not afraid of antidepressants yet… this book will scare the hell out of you. But when our health system gives us no real alternatives what to do? Amino Acid therapy is an alternative that might not be within reach of people on regular health insurance on regular incomes. Our government needs to quit big pharma in favor of real natural alternatives to our health problems. Paxil costs about $200.00 a month anyway. Why not pay for scientifically proven natural choices.

Addiction to sleep

To those of you who have read my book, you know that due to medication and Generalized Anxiety Disorder I cannot function without at least eight hours of sleep and i would actually prefer ten to twelve. My husband sometimes laughs, sometimes hurts but in general understands. However, i was very happy to find a post by Leila Macor, a Venezuelan journalist and blogger (escribirparaque.blogspot.com). With her permission i translated her post into English to the best of my abilities and i bring it to you.

I should note that my husband was greatly alarmed when he read this post. He could not believe another person so alike to me existed much less that she was so happy and proud of her need for sleep. I had outrageous fun reading this to everybody who knows me and specially those who give me all kinds of remedies for my eternal need for shut eye time. To them i say: Me, let me sleep.

And now by Leila Macor,
Morpheus' lover (Morpheus is the god of sleep)

A long time ago, a friend showed me a video titled “the nap of a cat.” The edited video showed the small animal lying next to a window. While the sun shifted from morning to night, the cat only made small movements without waking up or upsetting himself.

I thought the video was funny, but I recognized that I am just like that feline. My mother always joked that I am alike our Lomuffin, my cat, because when he gets thrown out of the living room he just moves to later be found asleep in a bedroom. When Lomuffin is thrown out of the bedroom he moves to a chair to keep asleep. Well, I get thrown out around but I still sleep my naps.

I am addicted to sleep. When I go to sleep, I calculate the hours of sleep I will have, if they are a too few, I sleep hurrying while I anticipate the morning headache. Even worse, sometimes I am so worried about the lack of time for sleep that I cannot fall asleep. On the other hand, if I have ten or more hours for sleep, I fondle the blankets and wake up now and then just to prove I still have a lot of time to enjoy. I always wake up swearing and while I eat breakfast I calculate the hours I slept. According to the result, I decide what kind of disposition I am about to have for the day. If I stop by home from one activity to another, I lay ten to fifteen minutes which could add to three or four mini-naps per day. I usually sleep after dinner and wake up only to put on my pajamas and get under my soft covers.

Because of those miserable evening naps, I have done the worst of things. To delay a date with the excuse that I cannot find the car keys. To tell someone that I could not go to an event due to a unexpected storm. To rob half an hour from the job arguing an accident delayed me. To be late to a party and arrive without even lipstick on to show I did not have time to even do my make up. To spend a bunch of money on a taxi to get home as soon as possible and sleep before going out again. In the same fashion, I give preference to sleep to any other urgent matter I have to do… sometimes I had a report due or something to study but I preferred a thousand times to go to sleep at six and wake up early at three or four in the morning to do my homework. Of course, I still would wake up in a haze.

I have learned to sleep in all kinds of conditions. I sleep with the lights on, with noise, in stranger’s homes, on the floor, sited, and even once in a camp after a three day rain on my wet sleeping bag. I was drenched, the camping tent looked like a water bed and still, I slept.

I take the bus wherever I go and no matter where I go or what time, I do not notice if the bus took a different route, if new stores just opened, new buildings cropped up. “But you pass by every day!” people tell me. And it’s true but I pass by while asleep. If I am going to be honest, one of the reasons why I didn’t insist to my parents for a car, it’s not only that I am afraid to drive next to other cars, buses and taxis but because I cannot sleep while driving like I do in the bus… everyday. I am so pervasive with my bus naps that when a student from my high school with whom I was friendly started taking the same bus, I started to hurry at work to leave fifteen minutes early and not find him at the bus. I was friendly with him and content at first, but when around the third encounter he noted “I always find you asleep” and would start a conversation to keep me awake, I knew it was time to find a solution. If I saw him on the bus calling me from the window I would tell him I was going somewhere else and wait for the next bus. The story would have been very different if he had offered his shoulder for me to sleep on…

There is nothing that makes me as mad as someone interrupting my nap, it’s something I don’t forgive not even the love of my life… imagine now what other person would get from me!

I am contagious. Since me and my boyfriend started our relationship we set “five little minutes” to sleep together. We mean real sleep, in any bed, sofa or bus that we come across.
Now I clearly see why is not a good idea for me to have dogs, although I have two already, I had no time to walk them. I rather sleep with the cat. Fortunately, my dogs have no dignity and if I decide to take them out at 10PM, they are as happy as at any other time.
Because of scheduling, this week I started working evenings and I have no time to go back home for lunch so I have to sleep on my desk. But that was only before I called my best friend Daniela whose house is about 15 minutes from my job. I was seriously considering bringing my sleeping bag to the office in order to sleep after lunch and in between jobs. But I hope to have the keys to Daniella’s house soon and believe me, I don’t care if she has a microwave oven to heat my “lunch,” wireless Internet to spend the time, TV or even a bed… she still has a nice cool floor where I can lay my sleeping bag and sleep at least for half an hour to avoid feeling like the day was “not enough to do anything.”

I am sick envious of the people who can sleep four or five hours and wake up refreshed, go for a run at the park and still have a couple hours before they go to work. I also cannot believe those people who say “I cannot go to sleep until 10… I just can’t, I wake up and I cannot stay in bed.” But the worst are those who question my naps alleging that I will have time to sleep when I am dead. To them, sleeping is a small death that stops them from reaching goals, reading, working, studying or exercising, and hence they see sleep as a daily shore they must do and finish as soon as possible.

To those who deny sleep to themselves, my addiction to sleep looks like an adolescent rant, a depressive symptom or a total incapacity to reach success in life. Let’s be honest, no entrepreneur, genius or conqueror went into history for being a good sleeper. On the other hand, in history I would be a useless human who sleeps while those, the triumphant ones, would live twice as much as me. My bed and me however, know that this is not important because the planet is already full of successful sleepless dudes. So explain to me Why does the world need me? Me, let me sleep.